


Odysseus Thinks He Knows What He's Doing --- may or may not of worked

by Lost_Stellar



Category: The Iliad - Homer, The Song of Achilles - Madeline Miller
Genre: F/M, Funny, Historical Inaccuracy, Historical References, I wrote half of it one night 4 months ago, M/M, Patroclus and Achilles are alive tho, The Iliad, The Iliad References, The Trojan Horse, and the other half right now, at least I tried to make it be, even tho it isn't even that long, i thought of it in like June, it's now September, patrochilles - Freeform, so that's good, sorry if it sucks, this took literal months to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-15 21:14:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16071473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lost_Stellar/pseuds/Lost_Stellar
Summary: My version of Odysseus telling his Trojan Horse plan -- this was literally just done for my and other's amusement -- I mean no offense with how badly it's written , I'm a tired student





	Odysseus Thinks He Knows What He's Doing --- may or may not of worked

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize in advance with the mix of this story, sorry if it doesn't make any sense, I tried ,,,, my tired student brain is just like "... write something already damnit" even tho I haven't slept, enjoy my jazzzzzzz ,,,, I'm watching Game Grumps to feel better

This was rare that this was happening, all of them grouped together around a table with Agamemnon at the front and center, actually asking for opinions. All the men were exhausted, the fight refusing to cease. Achilles’ usual flowing hair was tied back into a large bun a top his head, even his golden locks aiding in his aching headache. He had begun fighting again, only for the sake of his love and both their sainties. Said love sat next to him. Patroclus looked just as tired as Achilles did, dark circles tugging under his eyes. Neither were getting the sleep that their bodies needed to properly function, remembering it clearly when the two could actually hold each other for a full night’s rest. Even as much as Achilles loved to spend time with the brunet next to him, he was intent on ending the senseless war that was bugging at them all; then he could spend every last breathing minute of his being with the boy that showed him what it really felt like to be alive. Next to Patroclus sat Diomedes who was leaning back in his seat, head bobbing as he continued to doze off. To the left of Diomedes was Odysseus whom was in what seemed like a staring contest with Agamemnon across from him. His stern expression was causing a tight knot between his eyebrows, lips drawn into a perfectly straight line. His strained face a result of his deep concentration. 

“Does anyone have any ideas?” Agamemnon’s voice was filled with annoyance, a scowl on his face. No one answered his question, half of the army passed out and the other half lost in their own worlds. Achilles and Patroclus too busy paying attention on their hands that secretly held each other under the table. Machaon and Podalirius writing away in their books. 

It didn’t come to any surprise that more than half of the tent was scared to Hades and back when Odysseus decided to stand up and start yelling. The love birds knocked heads, Diomedes let out a yelp before falling backwards onto the ground in his chair, and Agamemnon may or may not letting out the highest pitched screech of them all. 

“I GOT IT. THE PERFECT PLAN.” Odysseus yelled whilst slamming his hands down on the poor wooden table. The bearded man’s eyes full of solid determination, proud of the idea he had yet to voice. He fell back into his seat, arms crossing in front of his chest in a confident posture. 

“Wonderful plan. Best plan. Completely foolproof.” Odysseus praised to no one in particular. 

“Spit it out then.” Patroclus mumbled in pain, rubbing his head lightly from where he and Achilles had collided; the brunet honestly too tired for all that was happening. Achilles was behind him, holding his own head that was now throbbing four times as worse than before; wanting Patroclus to kiss him, not head punch him on accident. Diomedes was also recovering at this point, hands gripping on the table to help him up, and brain trying to catch up on what exactly he just missed. 

“Okay, okay, okay. You all better listen, even though this plan is the best thing ever, I am still only going to say it once.” 

“Gods damnit man, just get on with it.” Agamemnon grinded his teeth. A small gasp escaped from Diomedes, a mumbled ‘Zeus is going to be maaaaddd at yoooouuu’ following it. Odysseus laughed at both of their comments, feeling giddy from his own mind. 

“Okay, I’ll let you in on the idea,” Odysseus uncrossed his arms from his chest and planted them on the table, intertwining his fingers,” but I want everyone awake to hear it.” A groan escaped from ninety percent of the table, knowing that Odysseus was only pushing this out as long as possible for the point to annoy the hell out of all of them. And also because Odysseus was that “one friend”. The narcissistic asshole one. 

Achilles nudged the sleeping smaller Ajax next to him in the side with his elbow, the man blinking awake, and immediately trying to go back to unconsciousness. After a few minutes of the sleeping ones either staying asleep or waking up, Odysseus finally began to speak. 

“I have a plan that is so good, it is destined to work. For us to win this war, we must trick the Trojans. We can’t do that head on as that’s what we’ve been doing for the past couple years and it has just gotten us running in circles. We need to be sneaky about this. Like, real sneaky. How do we do real sneaky without the Trojans knowing? Great question Patroclus.”

“I didn’t say anythin-”

“We actually sneak into their city, middle of the night, and set that bitch ablaze.” Odysseus was still smiling at himself, completely happy with all he had said at this moment. Though, the men scattered around the table were not as convinced. Mumbles could be heard from a few different people. 

“Why must we set everything on fire.” Achilles voice sounded even more strained than it had before. 

“You may be a smart man Odysseus, but you are shit at explaining.” Ajax the Greater butted in, next to Ajax the Lesser who was snoring quite loudly. Diomedes was the last to speak up before Odysseus interrupted them.

“How… the fuck are we supposed to sneak an entire army into a city in the middle of the night without being noticed?” 

“Now those are the questions that I’m looking for. How do we do it?” 

“Gods.. damnit Odysseus if you don’t just explain the shit, I am actually going to hit you.” 

“Achilles!” Diomedes screeched at him like a scolding mother. Achilles let out a sound that matched his face. Homicidal. 

“How about you watch your language Diomedes?” 

“I’m not using our god's name in vain, huh?” 

“If either of you two lose a limb, I will refuse to stitch it back on if you two don’t shut the fuck up right now.” Patroclus was even swearing and sassing at this point, something he did often to his friends, but not other people he didn’t know. 

Even with the discord, Odysseus was still smiling like a mad man. 

“Okay, for the sake of our dear best men, I’ll tell you all,” Odysseus was honestly just surprised that Agamemnon wasn’t the one yelling at this point,” we build a wooden horse, which I’ll be doing most of because I’m an amazing craptener, I’ll made an entire bed for me and my wife,  _ okay _ ? We, I, build a wooden horse, make sure it’s hollow on the inside, our army hides inside, we have someone sit outside the thing, telling those assholes that we made this an a trophy to Athena, they roll the thing in because a trophy to Athena? Who wouldn’t? Then once we’re surely inside the city, we bust out of that thing, killing all the Trojan soldiers. See? Best plan. Oh, setting the city up in flames, of course.” Odysseus finished explaining his plan, seeing no holes in it. Everyone else on the other hand, weren’t exactly sure how to handle the information. Every man was silent, even Ajax the Lesser’s snoring had stopped. All staring blankly at the bearded man at the end of the table. 

“What.” Patroclus’ voice broke the silence, a wave of different voices then following after. The smaller Ajax started snoring again. It was once Agamemnon was the one yelling again when the confused turned to … more confused. 

“ODYSSEUS YOU GENIUS MADMAN. THAT WILL WORK TERRIFICALLY.” 

“I know.” Odysseus responded.

“What.” Patroclus repeated. 

“Excuse me?” Achilles added. 

All the voices blended together, one speaking over the other. Either arguing or debating or agreeing with each other. At least the boyfriends weren’t fighting again. Odysseus just sat back and watched the madness, having full confidence that his plan was the way to go; already he had prints visualized in his head for how the horse was going to be made and what it was going to look like. Agamemnon was yelling at the top of his lungs, some men were actually still asleep through the whole endeavor, the physician brothers just kept ignoring everyone, Patroclus rolled his eyes, Diomedes was stuck silently in his own mind hell, and Achilles kept mumbling to himself how he was going to have to be squished into a horse with bunch of other people he really didn’t like. Voices rose from the tent for the next thirty minutes, still arguing over weather Odysseus’ plan was something that was worth risking their men for. It wasn’t until Agamemnon was getting annoyed that people kept disagreeing with him, that he finally called it a night. People were still talking as they were walking out the tent, everyone having their own word for the whole situation. Odysseus went to his tent, falling asleep easy with dreams of his future work. Achilles and Patroclus had grouped up with Briseis to give her the details, which only ended up with Patroclus letting go of his annoyed thoughts to his friends and Achilles throwing in his own annoyed comments. 

“Patroclus you better now I’m only doing this crazy shit for us and our future family.”

“How sweet, now shush and stop interrupting me.” 

“Your sass honestly makes me feel so much better.” 

“I’m so confused on what’s happening.” Briseis could only listen to the light bickering, lost in what exactly was going on, but knew she loved her boys. Agamemnon prayed for no more weird dreams from Zeus for safe measure. Diomedes was just… lost. 

It wasn’t until the next morning when Ajax the Lesser had woken up to an empty war tent, deciding just to go back to bed, and never wake up again when he saw the foundation of a wooden horse being built by the shore of the ocean.    

* * * 

“Holy shit Peppers, that actually worked.” Achilles dusted the ash of burned buildings off his metal shoulder plates and helmet. 

“I know and I’m crying on the inside because of it.” Patroclus washed the blood from his hands off that had accumulated from the many wounds he had patched that day.

“So, can I go home with you guys? I already called dibs on babysitting.” Briseis added to the conversation as she finished folding the now clean towels that had been used to help the wounded stop bleeding. 

 

Odysseus actually did know what he was doing. 

**Author's Note:**

> Once again I apologize if this thing didn't make any sense, I tried to make it funny and I don't know if I actually did or was just laughing at my own jokes ,,, anywho ,,, Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed this mess and if you did, both I'm glad and thank you. Feedback and criticism is always welcomed, so please do leave a comment if you wish!! Good day, lovelies~


End file.
